My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
