i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
should my penis look like a turkey
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
