you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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