I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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