hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
