I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
