sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
