Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
