my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
