There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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