I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
