I think scott just propositioned me for sex
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
