I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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