It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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