god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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