I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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