i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
