so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
