Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
