remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
