you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
