I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
