I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
