It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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