the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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