so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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