smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
