So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
