So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
