I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
