you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
