I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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