I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Everclear isn't food dammit
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
