So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
