Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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