Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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