my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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