Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
