I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
