You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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