were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
