Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
