Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
