False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
