I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
