About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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