Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
