it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
