I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
