I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
