My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
