Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Still dying that you shit outside
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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