The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
